From the personal notebook of Jamis Ramiro, former therapist at Next Steps Couples Counseling.

There is something fundamentally wrong with this relationship. They seem committed to each other though.

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Shane and Anna had the perfect life. Everyone wanted to know their secret. Perhaps it was not having kids, Shane joked to the table as he poured everyone more wine. Their guests would be leaving pretty soon to relieve their babysitters, but not before Anna made sure they each had a little jealousy host gift to take home with them. She kept her hand on Shane’s leg all through dinner and looked him in the eye every time he spoke, even when Kathy was talking to her. Kathy was an attention whore whose husband had a wandering eye for Anna; this would totally get her.

It had been way too long since their last get together, they would all say. They would all say all kinds of things. All four women and two of the men went to college together. The other two, Shane and Paul, were immigrants brought into this tiny nation on the promise of bread and honey. Kathy’s husband Reg dated Anna back in school. They didn’t joke about it anymore. Eight best friends sitting in the open floor plan dining/kitchen/living area enjoying catching up with stories about kids and jobs, how busy everyone was, and what Target and Costco were like on the weekends. Shane and Anna had none of that. They were a path not taken to everyone else’s lives. They went to wineries and breweries and distilleries and pop-up restaurants and hardly ever cooked or did laundry. They never stayed up all night with a kid, never cleaned up unholy messes, never saved for college, never seemed to hate themselves for how they sometimes felt about their lives and their place in the world, never hated their spouse or their parents for trapping them into this profane mess of a life. They never felt the shame of parenthood. They seemed to have the perfect life. Everyone wanted to know their secret. What were they hiding?

Shane came from a large working-class Irish Catholic family in Chicago and was heavily invested in every stereotype that came with it. Anna, a McLean Virginia girl from a small upper-upper-middle class family with divorced parents was instantly drawn to him for his outgoing, assertive, and enthusiastic personality. He seemed to love everything and was always ready with a witty line. He was real Chicago, he’d say. “Forget about deep dish, it’s thin tavern style you want.” “Ketchup on a hot dog? Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the donkey they rode in on.” He also seemed to be from a different neighborhood depending on which bought the most cred to the conversation. They met in a hotel bar in Austin, TX. He was visiting a friend from back home who was busy that night but recommended this place because they had Old Style on tap. “Ya know Old Style isn’t really a Chicago beer. It’s brewed in Wisconsin, but I sure did drink a lot of this back in the day.”

“I’m not sure if you noticed the headphones and the book? It’s the international symbol for ‘I’m not interested.’”

Anna was very interested, but for all Shane’s unearned confidence he had no idea. Eventually they worked it out. They talked and walked and ate and walked and talked and found a trendy bar and another trendy bar and spent the night together and got breakfast and walked and talked and got lunch and shopped and walked and got dinner and listened to live music and ate and walked and talked. Shane’s buddy wasn’t upset about being replaced and his buddy’s wife was absolutely thrilled with not being berated for her ignorance regarding sport peppers or baseball. She did once innocently refer to the South Side team as the Black Socks, so she kinda had it coming.

Shane and Anna did the long-distance relationship right. They would meet in different cities close enough for a weekend trip. She opened up about how she was affected by her parents’ divorce during a  weekend in Savannah. He revealed to her in St. Louis how his family had to keep moving around because of money problems. In Detroit, DC, and Toronto they made plans. In Boston he revealed that he had a girlfriend in Chicago, but it was nothing serious. She said she was dating too, but there was no one special. The honesty cracked open new feelings within them that they didn’t even know were there to nurture. But still Anna remained a mystery to him. Can anyone ever really know the heart of another person? He felt like there was something fundamentally unknowable about her. That’s when he realized they were very much in love.

Shane and Anna made the jump and moved into a small condo in Silver Spring, MD. She introduced him to her friends. They had dinner parties. They shopped and walked and talked about the future and what could be. She told him she didn’t want kids. He thought a little too late that they should have had this conversation a while ago, but he agreed. In fact, once he finally got around to thinking about it, he was relieved. They decided next steps were to buy a place, get married, stay employed, enjoy life. Neither of them being very career focused. Shane would talk about the machinery of society, of how it pushed free-thinking people into always what’s next. Single? Get married. Married? Have a kid. Have a kid? Have another kid. Working? Get a raise. Got a raise? Get a promotion. Got a promotion? Keep it up, keep going. Don’t forget to save. They struggled and eventually found other ways, outside the machinery, to keep their lives exciting and new.

Ten years later in their home in Annapolis they finally had Anna’s old college friends over for a dinner party. They all lived within thirty miles of each other, and they had been talking about it “like forever” but tonight the planets had finally aligned. They each had the same question on their minds, “Who the fuck even are these people?” Keira brought her new husband Paul, her second. Everyone was shocked when they saw Paul was black. Each hoped Paul didn’t notice. But Paul noticed and he loved each flinch and overly friendly smile. Kathy and Reg showed up on time, but well past tipsy. Reg made drinks for all and Kathy loudly explained to Shane and Paul, “Back in the day we used to call Reg the Jersey Giant because of his big pecker. Anna came up with it!” Jennifer and Jason were the latecomers. It’s almost as if they didn’t want to come. They brought a very nice New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. Jennifer handed it over saying, “It has a wonderful vegetal or rustic smell.”

Jason added, “Yes, but I’d say it’s more of a green and herbaceous aroma.”

“Mmm hmm.” Jennifer replied and walked off to chill it in the refrigerator.

Shane slapped his hands together and broadcast “Well, everybody get a drink. We got plenty of apps. Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. Ope, sorry Kathy, didn’t mean to yell in your ear. You were saying something about hydroponics?”

“Ergonomic. My office is buying me all new equipment that are ergonomically suited for me. I work pretty long hours for Senator McCraig and they have deemed me important enough to give me pretty much whatever I want.” Kathy proudly stated.

“Well, that’s nice. What exactly do you do for the Senator?”

“I’m a staff member. I make sure Senator McCraig is kept up to date with his constituent’s needs and necessary correspondence.”

“Cool. I don’t even know who my Senator is.”

“You mean who they are, you have two of them remember.”

“You give tours? I’d love to see what it’s like within the hallowed halls of our government.”

“I think I could arrange a private tour for an old friend like Anna and yourself.”

“That sounds great! But I doubt Anna will come.” He smiled, I want you.

“That’s OK too. I’ll send you my information.” She smiled back, Yes.

Anna abruptly interjected from behind Shane, “Is it just me or does this wine smell like cat piss?”

Shane jumped, “Hey there.”

Kathy’s smile broadened from within, thinking Your husband wants to fuck me you little twat. You’ll never have Reg again and I’m going to fuck your White Trash Windy City reject and send him back to you.

“It’s earthy.” Jennifer and Jason simultaneously protested.

Dinner was a big success. Everyone agreed they needed to do this again soon. Maybe even a monthly get together. They’d talk about it in the group chat.

Anna grew up with money and love and stability and no real needs. She never had the drive or ambition that sometimes comes from necessity. In her wild child years, she was very wild. She’d try anything as long as nobody found out. But those thrills died quickly. There was one boy, Joel, in her senior year that she was pretty done over for, as they’d say. He was quiet but quick to anger. He had the money to dress poor. He smelled fucking amazing. She was at his arm every moment they were together. He wasn’t her first, but he was her first love. They broke up just before graduation. He had been sleeping with a girl from another school. Anna didn’t take it well. She was traumatized. She yelled and screamed and begged. She drank. She cut. Her mom noticed she was short-tempered and impulsive. Her mom told her ex, Anna’s father, that the kid was a real pain in the ass lately. Her dad agreed she had become quite intense and irritable, but that college would straighten her out. Anna and Joel saw each other several times that summer before college. Each time was the last time.

She told Shane about it at their condo in Silver Spring before moving up to Annapolis. It was a different reveal than the others. She cried a little before but this time even he could tell there was something much bigger than just a boy or even an old love here. She said she couldn’t give two shits about that little prick now. But part of her was still uneven and she couldn’t figure it out. He swore to her that they would work together to figure out what it would take. They made love for the first time then, not just sex.

Kathy walked up to the guard desk and signed Shane in. “Congress is in recess of course and a lot of staffers are on vacation so I can give you the full tour,” she said.

“That’s great. I’d love to see it all.”

Their last stop was the Senator’s office. “Senator McCraig is back home so I’m here running the show. Would you like to see inside his office?” She seemed nervous.

“Yes please. So, it’s just you and me, huh?” He didn’t seem nervous at all.

Shane pulled into the driveway. Engine running, holding the wheel, he sat there for a few minutes clearing his mind. He hadn’t showered, that was part of the game. He was impressed with himself and hated it. For a minute, his mind went deep into his memory searching for a feeling. He brushed aside the time he watched a friend get beat by their mother. He went past the time he palmed his father’s five-dollar bill from the church collection basket. He briefly paused on the time he got caught looking up the skirt of a classmate at her desk. He sifted through moments of fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt, looking for the one he could never quite place. The feeling that something was fundamentally wrong with him, the relief of being found out. It felt like trust.

Anna sat on the couch in silence. She loved him. How could she keep doing this? She had finished a bottle of wine and was now into whatever they had leftover. She was digging into her own memories but like Shane had no idea what she was searching for. She dredged up pain and hurt, broken trusts, losses of faith. Turning moments. Nothing was right, that wasn’t it. Her parents divorce, the way they always cared for her. The guilt of feeling her power over them. That’s what made her sure she didn’t want to have kids. She couldn’t allow another person to have so much power over her. No that wasn’t right. Then she found it. The memory made her dizzy. She was lost and nobody could hear her calling for help. She was powerless to stop it. She couldn’t unlock the door. But was it a real door or just one in her mind. She was very drunk. It was dark. She felt the rage building. The freedom of hate. She could be anything for a moment and all would know her and none could judge. And there it was, the feeling she dug for, to be heard and understood. The power of being listened to.

He walked in, dropped his keys in the silver dish in the foyer, and saw the open bottles on the counter. One empty wine bottle and one always ready to keep partying Jack Daniels.

Calm and in control she said, “Reg called.” She was sitting on the couch facing away from him.

“Oh yeah? How’s the Big Jersey dick doing?”

“He called to warn me.”

“About what? Killer bees? What’s up Anna?”

“Get a drink.”

“Got one.”

“She was flirting with you.”

“Who?”

“That slag Kathy.” She turned and locked her eyes on him.

“That’s crazy. You’re crazy. You told me to get to know your friends, that I’d like hanging out with them.”

“Wow. Where were you today? You weren’t at work, I called.”

“What’s going on? Are you accusing me of something?”

“Where were you. And don’t lie. There’s a lot of technology floating around these days to check with.”

“I was with Kathy. She gave me a tour of the Senate office buildings and the capitol. You think we had sex in the tunnels or something?”

“Reg saw you two flirting at dinner and he knows what you did today.”

“And you’re going to just buy whatever his hunch is? He’s as crazy as you are.” His eyes locked on her.

Anna stood up and walked to refill her rocks glass. She spilled a little on the counter and slid the whole glass into the sink breaking. She was wearing the red silk button down blouse and linen pants that hugged her curves just enough to be revealing without revealing. She turned away from him to reach up for a new glass. She turned to the side to get the ice. She faced him as she poured her drink. She walked away from him to the couch passing the luggage by the garage door.

“Crazy is what you say. You’re all men after all.”

“We spent the day in an office building. Nothing could have happened.”

“I know what happened.”

“What do you think happened? You think we went in there and had sex right on the Senator’s desk?”

“That’s exactly what happened you fucking whore.”

“You are drunk.”

“You are done.”

Shane moved quickly and stood in front of her. He only had a few seconds to get it right. “Anna, c’mon. Nothing happened! Please, I’m begging you. You can’t leave me over a hunch! Reg is fucking with you out of jealousy.”

“Kathy told Reg. Reg called me. You think Reg made that up? We can call Kathy right now and settle this whole thing.” She slammed her drink on the coffee table and stood up. “Jesus Christ you’re an idiot. You are a piece of Chicago fucking white trash! Thank God I finally have a good excuse to leave you now. I’ve wanted to for years, but people keep telling me he’s a good man you’ll never find another one like him! Well guess what, they’re all like you! Get out of my way!”

“Anna, please, yes, you’re right, we had sex. It was a spur of the moment thing, a crime of passion, a nothing thing that could never happen again. Please, I’m begging you to stay.”

“Is that how you beg? Do you beg standing up?”

He dropped to his knees, “Oh God. No. I’m sorry. Please Anna my love. Please stay. I will be lost. I am begging you.”

“You can’t even look at me in the eyes right now, can you? Beg for forgiveness to my face. Beg for me to take you back. Beg for me to love you. Beg for me to suck your fucking cock. Beg for me.”

Shane took his cue. He stood and lifted her onto the couch begging for his life as they scratched and clawed at each other making love.

The luggage, which had been empty of course, had been put away. The broken glass had been cleaned from the sink. They carried on each day as if nothing had happened, but neither of them could stop smiling. It was two weeks before they talked about it. The first time, back at the condo in Silver Spring, he didn’t actually cheat on her. He just played hooky from work and went golfing. When he came home, she had had a few drinks and they created their little template for happiness, their secret formula. They didn’t intend to split up Kathy and Reg, but holy shit what a rush it was when Reg, her old boyfriend, called crying his eyes out.

“Hey hon, remember we’ve got counseling at three today. Oh, I was thinking we should take a week and visit Chicago. It’s time you introduced me to some of your old friends?”